Soon it will be…2015

End of the Year Musings

I’ve usually spent the end of the year doing inventory, as if my life were a warehouse of goods that needed to be categorized and labeled, so I could show others all that was there. Now, however, I realize that I needed to have them counted, so I could prove to myself that I had them there. It was as if I was not a whole person, or a good-enough person, unless my warehouse was overflowing with the “good-enough’s.” Of course, considering that I have been unable to work for over 3 years, and a lot of my self-worth was on my work, my warehouse was getting very empty. Like any other fractured human, at least this is what I like to tell myself, I tried to fill it with all types of other things. Despite all of my attempts, nothing really worked. I always felt empty, alone and lost.  My inventory method was falling shorter and shorter each year, as my way of measuring up to my own standard no longer existed. (One would think I would have figured out this was going to happen and I did, I’m just not too quick on the change factor!)  Recently there has been a shift…yes, a change can happen, it just takes a while…a long while…a  long, long while….

I am not doing inventory this year, however, as I do not see a need.  I know what happened and I know what did not happen.  I know what I accomplished and what I wish I would have.  I am aware of all the ways that I want to do things differently, so I see no need to go back and “dig them all out again.”  I also do not see a need to make any New Year’s Resolutions…I do not see any value in them.  I have made them, broken them, beat my self up about breaking them, made new ones, broke those and felt like a failure, all by midnight on January 1st.  Not doing that again!

I did have a theme for 2014…JUST BE…and although I think it took about eleven and a half months for me to get there, I do think I have learned to just be.  I love my solitude, perhaps too much…no, that’s like too much fun, just can’t happen.  I am content.  I have what I need and I am very fortunate.  I was able to give during the holidays in ways I never thought I’d be able to again.  That has made me very happy.  And I have no expectations of anyone else.  I do not want or need anything.  I have been so blessed to be able to Just Be!

So, as I look forward to 2015, I am sure I will find another theme that fits.  At the moment, it feels that   it will be more action-oriented; the time for sitting and reflecting may be done.  That is okay though, I believe I am ready for the challenge!

So Happy New Year Everyone! I hope that you find your inspirations in the New Year!  And before I go, I do want to thank all of you in the blogosphere for all the inspiration that you have  given to me this year.  Your love and encouragement has kept me going, even during my “absences” from posting… Thank You All

 

 

Class Reunion–35 years and counting

So I broke down and went to my first class reunion last weekend…okay it was my third-fifth class reunion, just the first one I’ve ever really attended. I went to the fifth, but stayed twenty minutes and left. It felt like high school and I didn’t need that again.  It is so interesting to see that little microcosm of society! For the most part, everyone has stopped worrying about “who is better than” and “who has more,” yet there were those “select” few.  You know, the “ones” who still talk to the only the other “ones.”  And they look around the room making eye contact with rest of us lowly minions, thinking that we are pining for their attention.  I noticed them about a half an hour before I left…and I was there five hours.  Someone I was talking to pointed it out to me, so I paid attention.  I realized that there was this “group of four,” not including their very uncomfortable spouses, who were having a very difficult time getting the rest of the mingling crowd to pay attention to them.  They tried a lot of things: they laughed very loudly, then looked around to see who noticed; they all walked to the bar together giggling at whatever, pretending not to look around; and they did the same on their social visit to the restroom.  Their extreme disappointment when no one cared what they did was evident…everyone else had moved on…had grown up…had seemingly left them behind.

It really was good to see people again.  I wish that  more people attended, but who am I to talk, it took thirty-five years for me to attend!  I realized when I got there that I miss the friends I made in high school.  I haven’t seen most of them for thirty-five years.  It isn’t anyone’s fault, life just happens.  I never felt like I fit in then; after this weekend, I know it doesn’t matter anymore.  That is a refreshing feeling.  It is sad that it took thirty-five years for me to feel that way, yet it is great that it happened at all!  I also realized how truly blessed I am to have reconnected with the friends I have since moving back to my hometown.  They have made this transition so much better.  I would be lost without them.  It is good to have this time in my life to reflect on what is important and what is valuable; what is lasting and what is true; what is golden and what is treasured.

 

 

Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Once again, it has been it has been far too long.  I can honestly report that it is not because I’ve had nothing to say, just no time/energy to say it!  Just to catch every one up: Rudy, my Super Dooper Trooper is doing Wonderfully! He gave me another scare, and only one week ago I thought I was going to lose him.  Then, on Wednesday, 9/10, he had a “perfect” glucose level of 133! The vet and I agreed that we are going to wait one month before testing him again.  He’s been through enough tests and it’s time to just let him be for now.  Additionally, I have fallen twice in the past  two weeks, which has taken a toll on my body.  This may be the stress of everything causing a lack of coordination or just too much going on.  Either way it is taking a toll on my body!

Needless to say, dealing with this emotional roller coaster has left me fairly exhausted all the time.  I am still keeping up with the things I normally do, I am just not doing them at the same level.  I do think in the past day or two, I am starting to return to “normal,” whatever that is!  At least, I am feeling like I want to do something again!  I have begun to “study” writing, as I believe that to do something well, one must keep up on the skills of doing it.  In my case that means learning AND doing!  I have done that with just about everything I have ever done in my life and it has worked out well for me.  I just have to watch out for the tendency to get caught up in the learning and never get to the doing part!  Especially now that the doing is writing, which is very scary for me.  As I write those words, it seems very ironic that writing would be scarier than therapy! After all, therapy is, if done incorrectly, a far more dangerous enterprise. I mean, if I suck at writing, it is not detrimental to anyone’s life. (Except maybe my ego, but not my life.) Yet if I sucked at therapy, I could really screw someone’s life up. And I was not scared to walk into my office every day and see folks for therapy, in fact I enjoyed it.  So when I think of it that way, writing should be easy, right?  I think I will continue learning…

On that note, I just started reading a new book, entitled “Trying Not To Try” by Edward Slingerland.  It is based on the Chinese Philosophy of wu-wei, which is described as “an effortless way to go through life with spontaneity.”  It allegedly disputes all the thoughts about planning, reasoning and effort being needed for a happy life.  I am interested to find out more about the philosophy, especially since it fits into my theme of this year: “Just Be.”  Also, maybe it will help me be able to put words on paper; just write and stop trying so hard to make it perfect and planned out.  Which, of course, will probably go against everything I am learning about outlines, research and index cards!  That is what makes learning so much fun though…reading about all the different ways of doing things and putting them together to make the way that works for me!

After all, once I figure it out, I could write a book about it!

Getting Back on My Path to “Just Be”

I admit the past week has been a bit “rough” on my theme of the year.  I have struggled to “Just Be.”  One of those “things” happened that just hits you in the gut and leaves you looking around saying “what the hell; where in the hell did that come from; and did that really just happen?”  We’ve all had them, I know I’ve had them more than once.  This one isn’t random and is personal.  It has hurt me in ways I thought I had shut down years ago.  Guess not.  I still don’t want to, even now.  I can’t go into details, as it would causer even more shit problems.  Let’s just say that I was accused, since I was never given a chance to discuss anything, of saying things I did not say and attempting to break up relationships that are very important to me.  And it was done by someone I felt I was close to and could trust.  There be the kicker.  I don’t care so much about being accused of saying things I didn’t say, we all get that, all the time.  However, breaking up relationships that are important to me, by this person, is incredulous.

Needless to say, my ability to “Just Be” through out this has not been stalwart.  I have been angry, sad and hurt.  I have retreated and haven’t been able to reach out my support systems.  I allowed this person to access my self-esteem, despite my brain telling me repeatedly, that what  is being said is false and is a reflection on them, NOT on me.  I have been able to use my brain to be rational about the entire situation.  I have NOT been able to reconcile my emotions.  They are just not there.  Oh, there have been glimpses when my emotions and my brain are in sync.  Like now.  I just never know how long this will last.  But the ability to “Just Be” and let whatever happen’ that has not even occurred to me, at least, until I opened my blog this morning.

Something in me clicked when I read Holistic Wayfarer’s comment about Lessons of My Tree-Part 2. (And that you for that!) I realized how far away I have traveled from my path. In just an instant!  I realized that we are all given moments that will lead us away from or to we are going.  We just have to decide which we want to notice.  We have to make choices everyday of staying true to our Self or going down different path.  I read so often about people trying to “find their way,” and I believe that this is all we are all trying to do.  Find our way to lead a “better” life: for some that is in the now, for others it is about an afterlife and some are trying to live better now for their next life.  Whatever the reason, we all have a path to follow. The problem is when one person decides that another person cannot be “allowed” to live their path. So they interfere.  Whether that be globally, nationally, or individually; taking away someone’s choice to live the life they have chosen results in conflict, of not allowing someone to follow their path.

So as I reflect today about my path and my desire to “Just Be,” I realize that I cannot change anything or anyone but me.  My response, my attitude and my behavior is all I have control over  (at least on a good day).  So for today, I will “Just Be.”  I will take things as they come and let them go.  I will learn what I can and be the best that I can.  I won’t always get it right, at least I have learned that much.  I will do the best that I can in that moment, though.  I will do better than I did yesterday, for I am different today; I have learned something, just as I do everyday!

One of my favorite quotes is from Mr. Rogers, and I need to remember it more often:

 “It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood!”

It WILL be in mine and, I WISH for you that it is in yours!